A:

There are many resources to help you with this question. As a psychologist and marriage and family therapist, I can address the psychological aspects of this issue.

There is no correct age to tell your child that he/she is adopted. If the child is over the age of three when he or she is adopted, the child is aware that you are his or her "new" parents. From that point on, you can just continue to have conversations with the child about being adopted, purchase one of the many children's books about adopted children and add it to their collection. Read it to them right along with the other books you read to them.

If the child has been adopted at infancy, try to incorporate the fact that they are adopted into your regular conversations right from the beginning. Some parents have a "special birthday" in addition to the child's biological birthday. This birthday honors the day they were adopted into your family. It is not up to the child to ask questions about how they came into the family. It is your job to make sure they know that they are adopted from the time they can understand it (and before). In most cases, parents don't wait until a child can fully understand a concept before they talk about it. For example, a child's understanding of going on vacation is different at age three than it is at age ten, but you still talk about going on vacation with a three year old! A child fills in the blanks regarding a concept as they mature. Adoption is simply another way that children come into families, and it should be discussed openly and honestly. Not talking about something can give strong negative messages. As always, explore your own feelings about having an adopted child; because your own attitudes will be reflected in how you handle this issue with your child.

At a young age, children will not have many questions about their previous life. These questions will come up later. When the questions come, just answer them truthfully. If you know the reason why they were put up for adoption, answer honestly. With younger children, probably up to the age of 8 or 9, simply start out with a general explanation. For example, "Your biological parents had some problems and they couldn't take care of you, so they asked for help. We wanted a child very much, and we were overjoyed to welcome you into our family. You became our child when you were adopted, and we love you very much." Try to keep an open stance so they will ask further questions if they want to. Older children, of course, may have more detailed questions, but they also will then be old enough to fully understand the answers. By the time the child is an adult, they should know everything you know about their adoption and biological parents. Often times, adolescents and young adults will seek out additional information about their biological families. This is a normal and healthy and does not reflect their dissatisfaction with their adoptive family or you as their parent. Be supportive of their decisions and give them appropriate guidance until they are adults.