A:
The age of the child would be very important in this situation. A child's ability to interpret the world is based on their developmental age. Since I don't know your child's age, let me start out by saying that the truth is always the way to go, no matter what the age. If you don't know why her father has not contacted her, then that is the truth. If you are tempted to give your interpretation based on your unresolved anger with him, please resist. Also resist making excuses for him. Simply tell the truth, whatever it is.

For young children, don't give a lot of details that they won't understand or may misinterpret. If her father continues to choose to abandon her, she will soon stop asking about him because he simply is not a part of her life. While this is incredibly sad, there is nothing you can do about it. You cannot make a father want to be involved with his daughter. On the other hand, you may be able to do something about the child support, but that's not something you would share with your daughter. Young children are not concerned with child support. This is your issue with your ex. For your daughter's financial security, it would be good for you to pursue it, however.

Many mothers feel, and this is sometimes supported by the experts, that they must try to buffer the truth to protect their children. But it is easier for children to know what they are dealing with. Ambiguity and uncertainty and secretiveness create mistrust in a child. Since you are the only one she can count on (certainly not the dad who has abandoned her), then you must be honest and direct at all times. Even saying that, "Daddy loves you, but ......" But what? Do you really want to give your child the impression that love doesn't require basic concern and consideration and time? Children soon see the hypocrisy in this scenario. If Daddy loves me, why doesn't he want to spend time with me? There is a danger that she may believe that something is wrong with her, that she is unlovable.

It is better to say that Dad doesn't know how to love his children. This gives the child the truth without undo bad-mouthing of her father. The main thing you want to do is support your daughter's feelings about the situation. After you've given a statement of truth, move directly into the empathy mode. Reflect your daughter's feelings; for example "I know this must make you very sad, or mad, or worried, or whatever you think she may be feeling". Keep the dialogue open; invite her to share her pain about this abandonment. You really don't have to say much at all about her father. You are probably as bewildered as she is about his lack of care and attention to his daughter. But be careful not to get your feelings tangled up with hers. Focus on her and what her concerns are. Ask her about that. At the end, ask if there is anything you can do to help her with her sadness. Be sure to reassure her that it's okay to feel however she is feeling about it.

With older children and teenagers, the same applies, but they are likely to be angrier. Don't make this assumption, though. Keep listening and try to find out what they are feeling and respond to that. For adolescent girls, it is important that they know that it's reasonable to expect care and consideration from the men in their lives. With adolescent males who identify strongly with their fathers (whether they have any contact with them or not), resist bad-mouthing their dad, but do acknowledge that he obviously has shortcomings. Emphasize to a son that there is nothing about him that is unlovable, but dad just doesn't seem to have the capacity or ability to love him in the way he deserves to be loved. With sons, it is also a reassuring thing to let them know that there things about them that remind you fondly of their dad. For example, "Your dad used to laugh just like that, and that's one of the things I really liked about him". This helps sons see that their dad has contributed positively to making them lovable to others. Teenagers certainly realize that everybody has faults. Again, there is no reason to lie to them. They need to have the truth so they can work through their feelings.