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Stepmother's boundaries

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PostPosted: Mon Jan 30, 2006 9:22 pm    Post subject: Stepmother's boundaries Reply with quote

I have been a single mother for most of my sons life. 1 1/2 years ago he asked to go live with his dad (married w/ 2 other children).
At the time i felt he was old enough to go so i complied.
My struggle is that his stepmother spends more time with my son than his father. I don't agree with her parenting practices. She has a degree in child psychology but has chosen to be a stay at home mom. So, now my son has become her case study. She has even told me that she has spent more time with my son then i ever have. Hence she knows him better. Mind you, he's only been with them for less then 2 years.
Issue: What are her boundaries? How much say does she have in raising my son? I didn't agree to have her raise him.
THis is killing me to no end knowing that someone else, whom I don't trust, is raising my son without any regard to me. She has even spoken badly about me to him. We have spoken on the phone but she's offensive and attempts to "school me" on my own son.
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mom of one

PostPosted: Mon Jan 30, 2006 9:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have a story almost like your but not quite. My daughter is only four and visits her dad and his new girlfriend on their visitation. This new girlfriend of his got pregnate right away and sice has had the baby(now one month old). I send my daughter over to her fathers for visitation so she can see her father. But, instead he is never there and his girlfriend is watching my child. To make matters worse - she just recently turned 21, and just had her first child. What the hell does she know about taking care of a four year old? It scares me to death - and eventually I will probably end up in your situation, which I hope doesn't happen.
The sad part is - there is nothing either one of us can do. In your case the step mother stepping way over the line is not right. But, what else can you do but try and talk to her and tell her how you feel. If she doesn't respect what you want than theres nothing you can do but be the better person in it! I don't think she has any right in raising your son, thats your job and his fathers. She needs to worrie about her own kids. But, thats just it! If she is stepping over the line - what can you do? Her telling you she has spent more time with your son than you have - she's just trying to get to you! Her talking bad about you to your son, is very wrong - and believe me - your son will remember that. And it will come back to bight her in the A**!!!! A sons love for his mother is very powerful - and anyone talking foul about you will make him angry! The more she does it - the more he will lose a relationship with her. And as an adult - he will remember all those nasty things she said about you, and despise her for it! Just make sure your being the better one in the situation and keep your mouth shut when it comes to her. That way your son will remember not you talking bad but her!!!!!
I wish you luck!!!
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 30, 2006 9:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have to say that reading your post tugged at my heart. I am not in your situation, just the opposite. I am/was the step parent. I say was bc my boyfriend and I are on and off. Well, I feel that you are justified in being upset. She should not be trying to tell you about your son. Unless she is telling you something new he learned or something along those lines. She should not be trying to "school" you just bc she has a degree. You know your son better than anyone. You carried him, nursed him, raised him, love him more than anyone ever will. I know that when I do things that my bf's ex wife doesn't approve of she tells him, not me. Then he confronts me on the issue and we talk about it. However, I am their friend, not their mother so I have boundries and sometimes its easy to cross them. When it comes to discipline, that is always the natural parent's place. When it comes to the majority of the raising, your ex should be stepping up to the plate.
The new wife should not be taking over your ex's responsibilities. And she should never talk bad about you. Perhaps you should confront him about it. Tell him how you feel. And get a jornal and record in it what goes on in case you ever need it in the future. I hate that she feels the need to degrade you but that is bc she knows she will never have the bond with your son that you have. And mom of one is right, he will remember. It will be etched in his mind forever how she talks about you. You would think a child pshyc. would know something like that but I guess a degree doesn't mean you are all that bright!
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Joined: 02 Mar 2006
Posts: 6
State or Province: Florida

PostPosted: Thu Mar 02, 2006 7:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

IMHO - a stepmother should be loving BUT from a bit of a distance if there is a mother in the picture - regardless of custody. It is not a step parent's job to raise the children, but the biological parents. It is not a step parent's job to disapline, but the biological parents.

So many stepmothers in general see this poor guy who has custody of his kids and then feels sorry for the children too. Alot, in my personal experience, tend to go overboard.

I know NOT all SMs do this, I am not saying this is the case across the board.

What people in general need to remember is there is a natural and biological family. And there is an extended family in cases of remarriages. Bio family should come first and the extended come a very close second. But it must be done in that way as not to confuse a child or cause resentment and alienation of one parent or the other.

My older two have a very controlling and ultra-interfering SM. My ex is so snowed (and I am not just being critical or bitter as I am far from that most days) that he has literally handed over all of the parenting of our children to his wife. So much so, that she got pregnant and she convinced my ex to send our oldest off to boarding school. (My oldest "sees" through the hierarchy of the house he lives in)

There is a safe way and healthy way to love a step-child. Trying to take the place of the biological parent or trying to BE the biological parent is not what is best for the child.

What is best for the child is to have two loving parents working together, possibly two step-parents encouraging open and healthy communication between the bio parents and just simply love the child.

If that is NOT in your motivation then honestly you are doing wrong by the child, bio or step, custodial or non.

Marriage was about the adults, divorce was about the adults, after the divorce you HAVE to make it about the kids and in a positive way. Otherwise we are simply raising versions of ourselves and our exes and honestly is this the life you want for your babies?

Much love to all those dealing with a stepmonster, I deal with one too.
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Joined: 31 Aug 2006
Posts: 2
State or Province: Minnesota

PostPosted: Tue Sep 05, 2006 7:35 pm    Post subject: stepmoms Reply with quote

Is there a boundry outline anywhere on the web that is a guide for step mom with no children, so maybe she will have one clue with what us as bio mother's deal with as far as the awful things that they put us threw because, having a child is not like raising a dog!
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Still in Love

Joined: 05 Sep 2006
Posts: 216
State or Province: California

PostPosted: Fri Sep 08, 2006 12:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

to the woman that posted the thread... what you can do is let your son know how much you miss him and that you would like him to move back with you... or you could go to court and ask that your son be placed back with you in the best interest of the child... since his father is not there and spends little time with him, and you have the time to spend with him and love him.

To the woman that posted about your 4 year old going to her dads on the weekends and he is not there and she is with his new girlfriend that just had a baby... don't know how it would be worded in your state, but here it is called first right of refusal... that you can have put in your custody/visitation order... what that does is if your ex is not going to be with his child during HIS visits for x amount of hours... that he needs to call you and ask you if you want your child home with you while he is out or if you want him to get a babysitter... ie the girlfriend to watch her.

My ex lives 45 minutes from me so the courts say since we are that far from eachother he can be away from our son for 4 or less hours without having to call me to bring him home... So if he goes to work or is going to be gone from our son during a time that he has visitation for 4 hour and 1 minute, he needs to call me and let me know and I have the option of saying yes bring him home (which I will always do) or no, I have made plans since this is your visit you will need to find someone to babysit him.
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