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What about Child's Best Interest?????

 
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hpulling1982



Joined: 18 Mar 2009
Posts: 8
State or Province: Pennsylvania

PostPosted: Thu Mar 26, 2009 6:57 pm    Post subject: What about Child's Best Interest????? Reply with quote

I can't help but wonder what happened to custody being centered around what is best for the child/children!!! My son's father suddenly decided he wants private unsupervised visits!!! We had an order where he visited once a week with me present then any other visits by mutual agreement, was working fine. I decided a couple months ago to give his father a chance to have private weekend visits, but he screwed up. My son started coming home disgustingly dirty. I'm talking his feet were black, finger nails filthy, food covering his face and his clothes were ruined. Even worse was the fact that my son smelled horribly of cigarette smoke. I don't smoke and don't allow smoking around my children! As a result I told him no more visits at his home. Now he filed for unsupervised visits. The worst part is HE GOT THEM!!! I just got the custody order today, it says he gets every other weekend and insane holiday schedules. My lawyer and I are going to motions court next week for relief of visitation because the custody mediator wouldn't even let me speak my concerns. Then we are appealing the order. Am I being crazy?? He never cared about our son till he had to pay support even told me to have an abortion when we first found out I was pregnant! I'm so tired of dad's suddenly having more rights than moms!!! I have sacraficed everything for my son!! Quit school, lost a great job, and am now running a day care out of my home so I can be with my son all the time! But because his father pays $60/week he suddenly has the right to do whatever he wants and take time away from me and my family!!

Anyone have any advice? Comments? Please share your experiences and thoughts with me.
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Still in Love



Joined: 05 Sep 2006
Posts: 216
State or Province: California

PostPosted: Fri Mar 27, 2009 10:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

First, I'm sorry that you didn't get what you wanted, but you can't hold that he wanted an abortion against him... most men say this and then when the child arrives their tune changes... and the courts do not view a pregnancy in its early stages as a child... and abortion to a non living entitiy isn't the same. He didn't want to kill his child since legally there was no child to kill at the time.

In reference to the smoking... I smoke and my ex tried to bring that up in court as he was a better more fit parent then me since he is smoke free, and the mediator told him that she can smoke... she can even smoke in the house... just not next to the child. So as long as he is smoking in a kitchen and the child is in the livingroom it is fine.

Every other weekend is really only 52 days a year... and even if he gets 14 days of vacation and half the holidays, he is only getting about 75 days per year, which equates to 20% of the time.

It sounds like a lot when you say he is getting every other weekend and vacation and holidays... but in reality he isn't getting much time at all.

When you go into court, try to step into the others shoes and think about how much time you would want with your child if he was with his dad.

If you are worried about the clothing, don't send any with him. It isn't your reponsibility to provide clothing for the visits... you don't have to send him with toys or clothes or even a toothbrush, dad is to have all of that for his child at his house... and request that dad send him back in the clothes that you sent him in on friday... also it is not too much to request that dad throw the outfit into the washer before putting it back onto the child on sunday.

Take a picture of what your son looks like on Friday when you send him to dads... and you don't have to be sneaky about it... let dad know that you will be taking pictures of your child when he goes to dads and then another of what the child looks like when dad brings him back... Might make dad take better care of him.

It is in the best interest of the child to have both parents. and you weren't really treated unfairly... you get 290 days a year with your son and his dad only gets 75... how were you treated unfairly as you have 80% of your sons time.

Take that time and do things for yourself. Get a life that is yours, go to the movies, go out with your friends... Meet someone... have fun and rediscover that you are a beautiful, single woman who is so much more then just a mom. Its hard in the beginning, but if you and dad can find a common ground, then you can co parent together well.
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hpulling1982



Joined: 18 Mar 2009
Posts: 8
State or Province: Pennsylvania

PostPosted: Fri Mar 27, 2009 3:41 pm    Post subject: Thank you Reply with quote

Thank you for your advice.

I did email my son's father today, that is how we communicate for documentation reasons. I made some suggestions on things we can do to try to make all of this easier on us and our son. I know that his dad has nothing to provide for him. Last I knew he didn't even have a crib! Any time I have allowed him to take our son (I was giving him a chance previously to take more responsibility for his son and to spend more time with him) I have had to provide everything, even his food, because his dad has nothing. His dad lives with his mother, who is in a wheelchair.
I told his dad I want him to be in our son's life I just don't think it is good for our son to be thrown into a home and situations with people he doesn't know. I would love to be able to have every other weekend to myself. I am only 27 and my boyfriend and I hardly ever have time to ourselves despite that we live together. So it'd be great. But I'm just afraid to send my 15 month old over there knowing that it's unsafe and that his father does not have the supplies to care for a child. He has never even bathed him. I just want my ex to give our son time to get to know him and for my ex to take time, with me around, to get to know his son. This is a tricky age and I fear that if the little guy is supervised enough he could get seriously injured.

I suggested to his dad that we take things slower. My suggestion was visits at my house from around dinner time till bed time two or three days a week and work towards every other weekend or something along those lines. Therefore, giving the child time to adjust and his dad time to learn how to care for him and to see what our son's routine is and what he's used to.

I can understand him not quiting smoking, I'm not asking him to. I just don't want him to smoke around the baby. Last month (after only a month of visits at his dad's house) the baby had bronchitis, never been sick like that yet! Then I got it too. We both have horrible allergy problems and the doc says he is showing signs of asthma so I have to maintain his environment. Smoking in the home could cause serious health risks for the baby! It's bad when he's only there a few hours and comes home smelling of pure cigarette smoke!
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Still in Love



Joined: 05 Sep 2006
Posts: 216
State or Province: California

PostPosted: Fri Mar 27, 2009 9:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I know how it feels, and I was lucky enough to have my ex understand and be willing to go slow in adjusting... but the courts will not accept you always having to be there to "supervise"... they will see that as trying to control the situation and needing to have it your way.

You might be able to try to have it staggered where he gets the baby every other saturday for 3 months, then he gets that baby every other saturday to sunday from 12 noon to 12 noon... for like 6 months, then he gets the baby every other saturday at 9am to sunday at 6 pm... for like 6 months working up to then dad has the child every other friday at 6pm to Sunday to 6pm...

but I can tell you that the courts will be unlikely to agree to allow you to be constantly overseeing everything...

You could have your attorney ask the courts that no over nights be granted until Dad has obtained the required furniture and things for a baby as you can't provide things for both homes and that it isn't your responsibility to give him the clothes and crib and car seat that you have purchased... and that we should continue the court date for 2 months to give dad time to go out and get a crib, highchair, carseat, toys and clothes as well as bottles diapers and wipes... and that a social worker should be allowed to view the home.

If you are concerned about asthma... (my little guy has it too) then you should get a doctor to write a letter saying that the child has an allergy to cigarette smoke and has had bronchitus and being around smoke could cause the child to have asthma... the courts will not take your word for anything. A Judge will view it as you trying to control the situation more.
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hpulling1982



Joined: 18 Mar 2009
Posts: 8
State or Province: Pennsylvania

PostPosted: Sat Mar 28, 2009 7:49 am    Post subject: I think I'm in shock! Reply with quote

I am shocked and relieved by an email I just received from my ex about how I would like to ease our son into the visits. He's actually considering my suggestions and says he understands where I'm coming from! I'm in shock! We haven't been able to have a civil conversation since this whole thing started. And he's actually agreeing that it wouldn't be good to just throw our son into a new situation and a new routine. Even better, he says they have stopped smoking in their home and are working towards quiting!!! I'm so amazed. I really hope he isn't just bullshitting me! I hope he is serious and that this really works out. Thanks to those who replied. I always appreciate other's opinions and thoughts on things.

THANK YOU!!! Very Happy
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MsNicole515



Joined: 27 Aug 2009
Posts: 2
State or Province: New Jersey

PostPosted: Thu Aug 27, 2009 6:52 am    Post subject: I don't agree.. Reply with quote

I know how you are feeling. One could say he only gets him 20 percent of the time and its only far but as far as i'm concerned, grow up and prove you are a stand up parents and good person before taking our son just for the sake of taking him. It kills me how they act like father of the year but really could care less. Mine has supervised visits and my house and can't even handle just sitting and playing with him for 3 hours. He rather have him at one of his losers freinds houses playing with their kids or keeping him occupied by just having him watch tv or take him to a restaurant. When it comes down to spending quality time one on one he doesn't seem to enjoy it. I would just get a good lawyer and fight him on it!! Get a good job, be a role model to your child then come talk to me about unsupervised visits. Mine just got 3rd DUI which hasn't been charged yet but wants me to let his friend pick up his son and take him somewhere. It's crazy how they think. My son is only 15 months old. Grow up and prove you are responsible!! 60 dollars a week he gives.. what does that buy diapers. I mean raising a child is so epensive they pay a minimal amount and call themselves parents. Get another job and help out in raising your son. All they want is a little play buddy on the weekends here and there and NO REAL responsiblities. They have no idea all the work us singles mom do!! Keep your head up. Wish you the best!
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hpulling1982



Joined: 18 Mar 2009
Posts: 8
State or Province: Pennsylvania

PostPosted: Thu Aug 27, 2009 12:55 pm    Post subject: Glad someone can see what I'm going through...now it's worse Reply with quote

Thank you for writing back to my post. Now things are even worse. he got granted every other weekend last March, saw him 2 times at my house and has never showed up since. He called a couple times when I was working but that was it. Then all of a sudden he's holding me in contempt because last I talked to him he called at 6:30pm wanting to come that night to see my son, I told him no because my son goes to bed between 7 and 7:30, that would totally screw up his sleep for the night. He cursed me out and hung up. Then 3 months later I get contempt papers in the mail! I got a lawyer who is 100% sure he's screwed cuz the judge we have hates dad's like him. So we're gonna fight for full custody and having him held in contempt for not showing up for his visits. The lawyer said this judge is notorious for throwing dead beat dad's that waste her time in jail for 30-60 days and making them prove themselves before seeing their kids. So I'm hoping he'll finally get a reality check! We go to court next Thursday!!! Thanks for your reply and I hope things get better for you and your little one. If you, or anyone, ever wants someone to talk to about this stuff or anything I'm often on yahoo messenger: angelofdarkness_1982@yahoo.com
I'm always open for meeting new friends and helping each other through these tough times.

Best wishes to you and your family! Very Happy
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mommajay



Joined: 06 Jan 2010
Posts: 1
State or Province: New York

PostPosted: Wed Jan 06, 2010 1:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm so sorry you're going through that. And I'm sorry to the previous poster, but smoking is such a big issue to me, too. I don't want anyone smoking anywhere near my child-- ESPECIALLY if there are signs of asthma! I do think it says something about a parent if he or she won't quit for the child's sake.

I'm confused about why he'd be held in contempt, though-- he's not required to take his visitation. It's a right of his, but he doesn't have to show up. So why would he go to jail? Did he also stop paying support?

I see this is an old thread, so I hope you have some good updates!
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Joe McQuay



Joined: 09 Aug 2011
Posts: 5
State or Province: California

PostPosted: Tue Aug 09, 2011 9:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Really impressed! Everything is very, very clear, open is a description of the problem. It contains the information.
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jannypana



Joined: 22 Aug 2011
Posts: 1
State or Province: Arizona

PostPosted: Mon Aug 22, 2011 8:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you for your advice.
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