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Teenage Runaway??

 
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lisajoy79



Joined: 14 Oct 2012
Posts: 8
State or Province: Mississippi

PostPosted: Sun Oct 14, 2012 12:22 pm    Post subject: Teenage Runaway?? Reply with quote

[color=blue]I really don't want to classify my 15 year old as a run-away. However, here is my dilemma: About a month ago, my daughter & I got into an altercation concerning her risky behavior and how she "display" herself online with posting pics of herself. There have been at least 3 (that I know of) pics of her from her Facebook page, where she has posted pics of her posing in bras-only(she's wearing jeans), or wearing low-cut tank tops to "exaggerate" the little cleavage that she has, or in the last pic (the one we fell out over), it's her wearing a cowboy's hat, she's crouched down in front of the camera with her legs cocked open. Yes, she was dressed, but with "booty shorts" or whatever. She was wearing a white tank top.

Here is the hurtful part: after I, for the 3rd time, discovered that type of pic on her laptop, I went into her room, and started TALKING to her about her disrespectful and racy poses that she has in these pics. I DID NOT raise my voice to her. Things honestly didn't take a turn for the worst until SHE decided to raise her voice at me, "Those pics were a long time ago, Mom!!" I asked her the first time to check her tone with me, because she was yelling. I continued talking to her, and she did it again, "Mom! Just leave me alone!!!" Ok, that's when my patience was shot. I got up, and started walking in her direction, yes, I was angry, and yes, I was about to put her in her place. She ran into the living room where my father was. He asked if we could stop all of the "fussing". That's the other dilemma, since we have had to move back home with my dad(I'm 33-lost my mom 3 years ago, Dad is an older man, and I thought moving back home so he wouldn't be alone would help-EPIC FAIL), I hardly ever got a chance to discipline my daughter without him "saving" her.

I know he's her grandfather, but when it comes to the lifestyle that she's living (sexually active to the point where she has the reputation at her high school of being the "School Whore")-then I think he need to back off, and allow me to be the parent and discipline my child. Anyway, things DID get physical with my daughter and I that night, YES, I DID push her around that night because of the anger I had. I don't think I provoked anything. However, I never raised my voice to my mom without some type of punishment coming my way. After we had our very heated argument, she left the house. This was like 10-11pm at night. I called her Dad, and told him what she had been doing. About an hour later,he called to tell me that he picked her up from a friend's house who live around the corner from us, and now she's across town with him at his house.

He never bothered to bring her back home so that all 3 of us could try and talk things out. To my knowledge (although he claim he has), he has never even talked to our daughter about her disobedient & disrespectful actions that she displayed that night. She's been living there with him about a month now, and it hurts. It hurts because he does not pay Child Support, he owes at least $15,000 in back Child Support, she ran to him, and now her & I barely communicate. She said she wanted a "long break". I've tried and cried, and prayed and have tried to come up with any and every solution possible to repair the torn relationship my daughter and I have. This is NOT the first time I've been faced with her rebellious behavior and it would be unfair to you, the reader to be burdened with an even LONGER thread than I'm already posting-(for a brief example, we have to go to court in a couple of weeks from a fight she was in with other girls back in January of this year).

My point/question is this: how do you deal with a situation like this, where you have been the sole provider of your child, her dad has helped here and there financially-but considering that he owes so much in back Child Support and our daughter is 15, you do the math. It feels like a slap in the face that she does not want to be here at home with me. Her dad has a problem with me wanting to go and pick her up to bring her back home. Although I never gave consent for her to go over and stay with him, my family and I felt that it was OK to do for now, maybe we both needed the space. But the relationship between my daughter and I is torn. He's doing nothing about it. I have tried talking to him about what we should do to make things better for our 15 year old. He's come up with no solutions, and the only solution he does have is "Why can't she stay with me??" I have no problem with our daughter "staying with him" for his mom to take care of (He's unemployed). I just never wanted our daughter to run away to be with her Dad under this type of circumstance. I want her back, she doesn't want to be back, he's doing nothing to help repair the relationship between our daughter and me, and it hurts like hell.

With ALL of that said, what should I do? It's one thing to let her stay with her Dad and our relationship is improving, but I have not seen her in a month, and have only talked to her a handful of times.

Please help!!!! (Thanks!)
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Still in Love



Joined: 05 Sep 2006
Posts: 216
State or Province: California

PostPosted: Sun Oct 14, 2012 5:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

If you have custody... you can take your papers and go get her... he can't do anything about it... he should have brought her home that night and started the reconciliation... since he didn't, if he wants her he needs to go to court to get her.

go get her and if she and he want to be together, then tell them both that your father needs to file for custody and pay for it... and then if the judge says that you should be with your dad, you can go.. in the mean time, you need to do your responsibilities... once back in your house, get her some help... family counselling, individual counselling, and put her in a new school.
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lisajoy79



Joined: 14 Oct 2012
Posts: 8
State or Province: Mississippi

PostPosted: Mon Oct 15, 2012 10:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow! Thank you so much! She's been there about a month, & the only reason I let her stay that long was because, yes, I felt maybe we needed to cool off, because like I stated earlier, this was not the first issue I've had with her behavior. So I really was hoping that while she was with her dad that maybe things will cool down, and she'll want to come back home. She doesn't want to come back home, I'm assuming its because of the rules I have here.

So thanks so much for your response:)

LisaJoy
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lisajoy79



Joined: 14 Oct 2012
Posts: 8
State or Province: Mississippi

PostPosted: Mon Oct 15, 2012 10:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Still in Love wrote:
If you have custody... you can take your papers and go get her... he can't do anything about it... he should have brought her home that night and started the reconciliation... since he didn't, if he wants her he needs to go to court to get her.

go get her and if she and he want to be together, then tell them both that your father needs to file for custody and pay for it... and then if the judge says that you should be with your dad, you can go.. in the mean time, you need to do your responsibilities... once back in your house, get her some help... family counselling, individual counselling, and put her in a new school.


PS: Yes, I'm known as the "Custodial Parent", he's the "Non-Custodial Parent"....and that was put in place when I put him on Child Support when our daughter turned 2 and I realized I would be taking care of her by myself. I just thought also that, its really nothing I can do because he's her father, and has just as much of a right to have her like I do. I'm wondering is there any truth to that?
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Still in Love



Joined: 05 Sep 2006
Posts: 216
State or Province: California

PostPosted: Mon Oct 15, 2012 10:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nope... if you are the legal custodial parent... and he the non custodial parent, then he is only entitled to the visitations... not custody... if he wants that changed, the judge has to change it...

his rights were established 13 years ago as the non custodial parent.


Is she even attending school? Is she doing her school and homework...? what is she doing on the computer? Make sure that you start back tracking and documenting everything she has been doing to take to court... If he is like most men, he will not bother with going to court cause if he goes into court owing more then 15 grand... the judge could throw him in jail for contempt... as well as question why he feels he could raise his daugter when he couldn't even be bothered to pay his support for x amount of years...

if he is getting unemployment, your support could be taken out of that... just so you know... make srue that you state you want garnishment started for the debt he owes you.
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lisajoy79



Joined: 14 Oct 2012
Posts: 8
State or Province: Mississippi

PostPosted: Mon Oct 15, 2012 1:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Still in Love wrote:
Nope... if you are the legal custodial parent... and he the non custodial parent, then he is only entitled to the visitations... not custody... if he wants that changed, the judge has to change it...

his rights were established 13 years ago as the non custodial parent.


Is she even attending school? Is she doing her school and homework...? what is she doing on the computer? Make sure that you start back tracking and documenting everything she has been doing to take to court... If he is like most men, he will not bother with going to court cause if he goes into court owing more then 15 grand... the judge could throw him in jail for contempt... as well as question why he feels he could raise his daugter when he couldn't even be bothered to pay his support for x amount of years...

if he is getting unemployment, your support could be taken out of that... just so you know... make srue that you state you want garnishment started for the debt he owes you.


Wow...I really didn't know that. I've always heard that if the Dad wants their child, he can get them whenever, and the mom cannot do much because they are his kids too. Thanks for that:)

On her schoolwork, it's miserable. When she left here, her grades were horrible. She's over there, he says its still the same. She was scheduled to get baptized at our church, she doesn't even go to church over there. She's wearing blonde hair, when she KNOW I was absolutely against it. Another pic I saw was her in a strapless top, her hair was over her shoulders, but still, she KNOW I would NEVER go for those looks. She's still taking pics of herself in the bathroom at school with the iPod Touch her uncle (on his side gave her). That's what's so aggravating about this. I think they feel that since she hadn't disrespected or disobeyed them personally, it's not that big of a deal to them.

Part of me want her to stay so they can see for themselves how she really is. By her changing her hair color about a week ago, I told him that she was starting to "get comfortable & come out"-as to who she really is. Of course no-one over there believes me, and it this point, it does not matter what they think.

But the other side of me, as a mom, want to go and get her. I just don't feel I have any more energy to deal with this by myself. Before she went over there, I was dealing with it by myself. He's doing nothing to improve the situation. So when I bring her back, I have to deal with this all over again...by myself.

It's not a problem to do this for my daughter (bringing her back)-if that's what it takes. I guess I just feel totally tapped out & spent....

Thanks again:)
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Still in Love



Joined: 05 Sep 2006
Posts: 216
State or Province: California

PostPosted: Mon Oct 15, 2012 3:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, you do have a choice... take him to court to either get contempt and modifactions... giving custody to him... and stating that since he owes you so much in child support, he can deduct it off of any support that he would have gotten from you by him having custody... or...

go get your child, then sue him for support and arrears... request garnishment of unemployment as well as getting any income tax return he may have... and request that your daughter be placed in protective custody of you and that you would like the court to order your daughter to go to school... meaning she can't just drop out.

I had a child that gave me tons of problems from the time she was 2 till she was about 15... and I am happy to say that she finally started getting it... and is not serving in the US military...
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lisajoy79



Joined: 14 Oct 2012
Posts: 8
State or Province: Mississippi

PostPosted: Mon Oct 15, 2012 5:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Still in Love wrote:
Well, you do have a choice... take him to court to either get contempt and modifactions... giving custody to him... and stating that since he owes you so much in child support, he can deduct it off of any support that he would have gotten from you by him having custody... or...

go get your child, then sue him for support and arrears... request garnishment of unemployment as well as getting any income tax return he may have... and request that your daughter be placed in protective custody of you and that you would like the court to order your daughter to go to school... meaning she can't just drop out.

I had a child that gave me tons of problems from the time she was 2 till she was about 15... and I am happy to say that she finally started getting it... and is not serving in the US military...


I know its not funny...but from 2 to 15??? She stopped AT 15??? Wow! How blessed you were! I am so happy everything worked out for you and especially for your daughter. Well, with the Child Support, I've taken him to court numerous times. The judge slaps him on the wrist each and every time. He has never been to jail for non-payment of Child Support.
In the state of Mississippi, you're wasting your time taking the Dad to court for not taking care of his children. Everytime I took him to court, this is what the judge would tell him, "I'm giving you 30 days to find a job, and we'll meet back in in 2 months". He shows up 2 months later with $100, and the judge sends us on our merry way. By the way, half of the time, he still has no job. His mom or new girlfriend gives him the money because they "don't want to see him go to jail".

I have some thinking to do. I just want what's best for my child. I really wish she could learn a lesson from the error of her ways. And if she learn it while she's over there with her Dad and his mom, then that's a good thing. Because she'll know who's really there for her and who's not.
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Still in Love



Joined: 05 Sep 2006
Posts: 216
State or Province: California

PostPosted: Tue Oct 16, 2012 5:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I don't know what the age in Mississippi is, but here in Philly a child can speak with the Judge about where she wants to live when they are 12 years old. Not all times does the Judge agree with the child, but they do take their wants into consideration.

my daughter has ADHD as a child, and Juvenile Bi Polar... we were lucky she was one of the few that grew out of it... but when you couple those issues with three other children... I was the warden in a warzone. She is beautiful and intelligent, and really has gotten her stuff together. I thank god that her rebellious days were so young cause I don't think I could have survived rebellious teenage girl.

Its up to you on what you do, but there is no law that says you as the parent need to go through abuse from your children... and it is not a slight against you to allow her dad to deal with her for the last 2 plus years...
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lisajoy79



Joined: 14 Oct 2012
Posts: 8
State or Province: Mississippi

PostPosted: Tue Oct 16, 2012 11:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Still in Love wrote:
I don't know what the age in Mississippi is, but here in Philly a child can speak with the Judge about where she wants to live when they are 12 years old. Not all times does the Judge agree with the child, but they do take their wants into consideration.

my daughter has ADHD as a child, and Juvenile Bi Polar... we were lucky she was one of the few that grew out of it... but when you couple those issues with three other children... I was the warden in a warzone. She is beautiful and intelligent, and really has gotten her stuff together. I thank god that her rebellious days were so young cause I don't think I could have survived rebellious teenage girl.

Its up to you on what you do, but there is no law that says you as the parent need to go through abuse from your children... and it is not a slight against you to allow her dad to deal with her for the last 2 plus years...


I am so glad your daughter is OK-I know she's a beautiful person and yes, you are one of the few who's child has an "early" rebellious stage:) I have a friend, her daughter is also 15. But when her daughter was younger, she had ADHD so bad that my friend had to put her in a special school where the class size was smaller so her daughter could get that one-on-one attention vs hardly any attention in a public school's classroom.

Thanks for the encouragement. I have been wondering if I should let her stay with her Dad for the remainder of her teen years. Besides, he did ask me, "You've had her for 15 years, can't I just have her for 3??"Well, I wouldn't mind that, if he were helping to improve our daughter & took care of her financially instead of always depending on others. Its been a little over a month though, and in my eyes, I see no changes. She hadn't gotten any worse that I know of, but its like stagnant water, it just sits there-and that's what this situation feels like to me. It's just in one place...makes me angry to see he's doing nothing-at least not where I can tell....I did not want it to be where later, when she's grown and if she comes out worse, it would fall back on me. You know how some people are: you tell them that she was with her Dad during the years she became even worse, and the typical response would be, "Yeah! But you knew how he was before you let her stay there! You should have gotten her back to take care of her yourself" People like that really grind me sometimes...

However, I will definitely keep you updated on her progress....and I do think in MS the judge will ask the child what they'd want to do. Which I think is fair because ultimately, the child is the one who has to endure it. I just wouldn't want it to be where if that ever happens and she choose her "good ole Dad", that the judge will let her, knowing that the situation with him likely won't change, and he'll be taking her from a parent who holds a job to an unemployed dad that's behind in Child Support...

But hey, who knows??-the Justice System is really the Injustice System at times...LOL...

I really appreciate it!
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lisajoy79



Joined: 14 Oct 2012
Posts: 8
State or Province: Mississippi

PostPosted: Tue Oct 16, 2012 12:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Still in Love wrote:
I don't know what the age in Mississippi is, but here in Philly a child can speak with the Judge about where she wants to live when they are 12 years old. Not all times does the Judge agree with the child, but they do take their wants into consideration.

my daughter has ADHD as a child, and Juvenile Bi Polar... we were lucky she was one of the few that grew out of it... but when you couple those issues with three other children... I was the warden in a warzone. She is beautiful and intelligent, and really has gotten her stuff together. I thank god that her rebellious days were so young cause I don't think I could have survived rebellious teenage girl.

Its up to you on what you do, but there is no law that says you as the parent need to go through abuse from your children... and it is not a slight against you to allow her dad to deal with her for the last 2 plus years...


I DO have one more question(and thanks so much for taking the time to advise me on this dliemma):

But, I'm wondering if she will start to show her true colors while she's living with her Dad? I'm not hoping anything bad on her or him or anyone who comes in contact with her, because although she's a misfit right now, I'll always love her. But some kids tend to "change" when they are around certain people. My family thinks its only a matter of time before she starts being her "noraml" self once she get more confortable over there....me personally, I think its starting to come out a little right now(the blonde hair-she know how I feel about that-now she's over there, and it seem as if she's trying to pull that same hair crap with them, to see how they would re-act)......so what do you think? That's really one reason that if she were to stay with him, that it would feel so good to know that someone over there will see what I'm going through, and may help her once it happens to them......what do you think??
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Still in Love



Joined: 05 Sep 2006
Posts: 216
State or Province: California

PostPosted: Tue Oct 16, 2012 6:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

She will show her true colors sooner rather then later... she is in the honeymoon stage right now... it might take up to 6 months before she starts... and dad is trying to be the good guy so he hasn't tried any kind of disappline...

At some point it will happen, and he will be the one pulling his hair out...

and for those that may say something if she does stay with dad and turn out worse... you tell them that when they have walked a mile in your shoes then they can judge you... there is no guarantee that she wouldn't get worse back with you either... Ultimately she has free will to do right or wrong... and she knows right from wrong and is choosing to do wrong.

you can only guide your children and show them responsibility and respect... teach them good skills and manners and hope that they make good choices in life... but you can't force them to do it.
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lisajoy79



Joined: 14 Oct 2012
Posts: 8
State or Province: Mississippi

PostPosted: Tue Oct 16, 2012 7:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Still in Love wrote:
She will show her true colors sooner rather then later... she is in the honeymoon stage right now... it might take up to 6 months before she starts... and dad is trying to be the good guy so he hasn't tried any kind of disappline...

At some point it will happen, and he will be the one pulling his hair out...

and for those that may say something if she does stay with dad and turn out worse... you tell them that when they have walked a mile in your shoes then they can judge you... there is no guarantee that she wouldn't get worse back with you either... Ultimately she has free will to do right or wrong... and she knows right from wrong and is choosing to do wrong.

you can only guide your children and show them responsibility and respect... teach them good skills and manners and hope that they make good choices in life... but you can't force them to do it.


I really, really appreciate it. I spoke to her Dad tonight & we are talking about coming to some sort of agreement for the sake of our daughter. He says he's willing to come to an agreement because he says he want her to improve, too. I will definitely keep you posted & let you know what agreement we will come to soon...

Have a good night, and I WILL keep you updated on what we decide to do:)
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