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Lost custody of daughter when she was 3, now she is 16

 
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ebh2001



Joined: 19 Mar 2008
Posts: 2
State or Province: Georgia

PostPosted: Wed Mar 19, 2008 6:10 am    Post subject: Lost custody of daughter when she was 3, now she is 16 Reply with quote

To All:

I was in the same situation as many of you some 14 years ago when my ex-husband filed for divorce when he found out I cheated on him. He was an excellant provider but a lousy husband and at that time I needed attention (what 21 year old didn't?). We all make mistakes and I have paid for them over and over again and made my amends but his sole reason for getting custody was to keep me broke for the rest of my life.

When we get married we never think about saving our own money and we have this misconceived notion that we will be married to this person forever because you did all the right things (dated for a while, had a big wedding, child came 3 years later, etc.). But I am living proof that that is not always the case and I was so nieve to think that it was going to be a rose garden.

I worked and did not have a checking or savings account, my ex paid pretty much all the bills and I paid some to contribute but did not have to. Do you see where I am going here? To many of us are unprepared, just like I was, to weather the storm when it hits and it hits hard. Nevertheless he worked nights, I worked days and we hardly ever saw each other unless it was when he needed to be physically satisified which got old real quick but I stuck it out because of my religious upbringing. After 11 years of feeling trapped and that there was nothing more to life then pleasing him I stepped out of my marriage. Was not the wisest thing but it happened and I paid for it with him taking my child and moving to another State. By the way, one of my older sisters held me down to make sure I did not run off with my daughter while he and his family took her and left. Out of panic and sought legal counsel and was told to start the paperwork for custody in my home state. This I did, but he turned around and filed for divorce and custody in the state he moved to and my home state easily gave up rights and said the child will stay in that state until further notice. Now my real problems start.....

Having to fight a custody and divorce battle with little money between two states was very difficult. Nevertheless, some of my family members testified against me in court (including my mother who to this day denies any wrong-doing). This was no surprise to me since the bible clearly fortold that our worst persecution would come from those closes to us. I lost the battle because I did not have a crap load of money like my ex did (he lived with his mother and his family helped out with court costs) and he had dual counsel representing him (husband and wife team) and I had a lawyer that never tried a custody case in his life.

I went through a deposition because he was trying to prove adultery but I was not stupid enough to not know when someone was asking me the same question twice but in a different content. My lawyer did nothing to win custody and I was just shelling out money left and right for him pushing paper. Because I could not pay them fast enough they tried to drop me as their client without proper notice and I was able to stop them from doing that by contacting the Judge immediately. They had to find me new counsel before they could do that. But in the end I ended up giving up because I had no more money. He asked for child support even though I did not have a job at the time and they granted it to him (they based it off a salary I did not have any more, was not working at the time) Six months later he remarried (a supposedly family friend) and this woman has coached my daughter into calling her mommy.

That day I truly died because I felt someone had torn my child from my womb. Yes, I contiplated suicide until I had to realize that God made me stronger than this and if I did that my daughter would not have me for the tough years to come. I made it my sole responsibility was to get myself together and continue building a relationship with my daughter, which I can say, he has never hindered me from doing. I told him that eventually she will come to me, it may not be now or 10 years from now, but she will. I spent a ton of money going between states to see my daughter every chance I could. At times I would fly down to get her and come right back on the next flight the same day, because she was too young to fly by herself and I did not trust her to fly as an unaccompanied minor. I did this until she was 9 years old when we thought she was ready to fly.

I decided to change careers and put myself through college at the age of 33 for which I graduated Cum Laude with a GPA of 3.8. This was a big accomplishment for me after getting married and having children first, I wish I did it right the first time but then I would not have married her father nor had her.

My increase in knowledge ladies has afforded me the abililty to take care of her and my increased family. Plus provide for her extra things even though I was paying child support. Never did I say, "I pay child support, he needs to take that and buy her things", which he does but I am mother and I know what she needs. He always had to go to his mother or sister to find out those things.

My baby girl is now 16 years old and is with me in Georgia for Spring Break because she wanted to be here. I have guided her up until now and have been successful in maintaining a good and healthy relationship with her. Even though I did not raise her she respects me still as her natural mother and comes to me when she wants to talk, which I told her it did not matter how far apart we are, I will always be there for you.

I know I have been long winded, but this has been my story for the past 14 years and it has made me a stronger and better individual. I have since remarried and she has two younger brothers, 7 and 3, which she loves dearly. It took 9 years for me to have more children, for a while I did not feel I was worthy and did not want siblings being raised apart from each other, I was more worried that she would not except them.

She has bloomed into a beautiful young lady and I am proud of her. I have given her as much as advice as I could to guide her as a teenager and as to her career path. This is something I knew her father would not do. Now she is looking for colleges in the State of Georgia because she is tired of where she is and is ready to come to Georgia (She has two years). My only fear is that because of the child support I am paying (He filed a interstate petitition on me 2 years ago because I owe $26,000 in arrears for 4 years of not paying regular child support) that I would not have enough money to put her through college. As long as God gives me breathe she will not have a student loan.

I have taught her and reiterated over and over again how it is important to go to college and I am guiding her on her career path so that she will be able to stand on her own two feet and provide for herself when she gets older. It helps to come from a line of strong women who did it all by themselves when times got tough. This is my legacy that I pass on to her.
With my fear of going back into court and having to deal with crooked lawyers I never regained custody of my daughter, and I knew I would never come up with the money to do so. My goal was to keep the relationship going and lines of communication open.

I love my daughter, this is my legacy I leave her...

Thanks for listening to me ladies, talking about it truly helps even though it hurts sometimes.
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lokachica



Joined: 22 May 2009
Posts: 2
State or Province: Texas

PostPosted: Fri May 22, 2009 8:20 pm    Post subject: U give me hope Reply with quote

I read your post and it gives me hope. I have children; 13, 10, and 6 that I have been separated from for the past five years. A judge awarded full custody to my ex husband; a convicted drug felon because I'm not considered a stable environment. I'm an active duty Army service member and have been deployed twice in less than three years. My heart breaks for my children and what I'm missing out on, but reading your post gives me hope. Hope that one day my children will look for me and want to be with me like your daughter has with you. Going back to court isn't an option for me. It's expensive, I already pay 65% of my wages towards child support while they reside in HI. Even if I did scrounge up the $22000 it will take, there is no guarantee that a judge will give them back to me. It's been a long time and my children excel in school and sports. The odds aren't in my favor so I slowly count the days, weeks, and months until my children are sixteen and can decide for themselves and are old enough to travel to see me.

I want to say thank you. It's been comforting to read what you have to say. This site is a comfort to me, because at one point I felt like I was the only one who had done thru this nightmare. I felt like a female dog who'd given birth and then had someone tear her puppies away. Except I'm not a dog and I'm not going to have more children and I fought to retain my sanity.

Thanks for all.
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Still in Love



Joined: 05 Sep 2006
Posts: 216
State or Province: California

PostPosted: Sat May 23, 2009 10:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

your children are old enough to come see you now... I live in PA and my ex lives in CA...

I have custody, but our son has to travel out to CA up to 40 days a year to see his dad... and he is only 4 years old... we have to fly with him to either come get him or to bring him back as he is too young to fly on his own, but the day he turns 5 years old he can fly as an unaccompanied minor... His dad and I will have to split the cost of the travel expenses... but there is no reason when you have leave that you can't have your children fly out to you for a visit.
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lokachica



Joined: 22 May 2009
Posts: 2
State or Province: Texas

PostPosted: Sun May 24, 2009 9:09 am    Post subject: Yes, my children are old enough... Reply with quote

My children are old enough to fly to see me, unfortunately it is an expense I can't afford. Three children X three air fares from HI = an expense I can't begin to afford. My ex husband doesn't make any concessions and isn't willing to split their airfare with me. I have traveled out to HI to see my children and the end result is the same as if my children traveled to see me. The airfare is expensive, the hotel and rental car is expensive, and the economy there is expensive. Luckily my children are content to eat "low budget", but it still adds up. Not to mention the fact that I have to deal with my ex husband and his belittling me while I am in his "territory". There isn't anything my kids haven't heard me called and even though I miss my children, I can't see myself going back to HI. My ex husband is very bitter and has done everything within his power to alienate my children. It's a difficult to deal with...not hearing from my children in months, knowing they moved, but not where to, not getting a call for mother's day. Little things, but hurtful thing. I get comfort from the times I do speak with them and hearing them say "I love you mom". I realize that their love for me is something he can't take away. I get hope from reading about others whose children have come back to them; of their own will. God willing my children will too. One day when a court or their dad can't interfere any longer.
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Still in Love



Joined: 05 Sep 2006
Posts: 216
State or Province: California

PostPosted: Sun May 24, 2009 7:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm sorry that it is so hard, but with courts today, it is ordered that both parents bare the expense for travel... so if you went back to court now it is likely that the courts would order the father to bare his half of the travel. Also, I don't understand why your kids have to live with him just cause you are military... when do you get out?
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Sommer41



Joined: 30 Nov 2009
Posts: 11
State or Province: Not Applicable

PostPosted: Tue Dec 01, 2009 4:16 am    Post subject: Re: Lost custody of daughter when she was 3, now she is 16 Reply with quote

ebh2001 wrote:
To All:

I was in the same situation as many of you some 14 years ago when my ex-husband filed for divorce when he found out I cheated on him. He was an excellant provider but a lousy husband and at that time I needed attention (what 21 year old didn't?). We all make mistakes and I have paid for them over and over again and made my amends but his sole reason for getting custody was to keep me broke for the rest of my life.

When we get married we never think about saving our own money and we have this misconceived notion that we will be married to this person forever because you did all the right things (dated for a while, had a big wedding, child came 3 years later, etc.). But I am living proof that that is not always the case and I was so nieve to think that it was going to be a rose garden.

I worked and did not have a checking or savings account, my ex paid pretty much all the bills and I paid some to contribute but did not have to. Do you see where I am going here? To many of us are unprepared, just like I was, to weather the storm when it hits and it hits hard. Nevertheless he worked nights, I worked days and we hardly ever saw each other unless it was when he needed to be physically satisified which got old real quick but I stuck it out because of my religious upbringing. After 11 years of feeling trapped and that there was nothing more to life then pleasing him I stepped out of my marriage. Was not the wisest thing but it happened and I paid for it with him taking my child and moving to another State. By the way, one of my older sisters held me down to make sure I did not run off with my daughter while he and his family took her and left. Out of panic and sought legal counsel and was told to start the paperwork for custody in my home state. This I did, but he turned around and filed for divorce and custody in the state he moved to and my home state easily gave up rights and said the child will stay in that state until further notice. Now my real problems start.....

Having to fight a custody and divorce battle with little money between two states was very difficult. Nevertheless, some of my family members testified against me in court (including my mother who to this day denies any wrong-doing). This was no surprise to me since the bible clearly fortold that our worst persecution would come from those closes to us. I lost the battle because I did not have a crap load of money like my ex did (he lived with his mother and his family helped out with court costs) and he had dual counsel representing him (husband and wife team) and I had a lawyer that never tried a custody case in his life.

I went through a deposition because he was trying to prove adultery but I was not stupid enough to not know when someone was asking me the same question twice but in a different content. My lawyer did nothing to win custody and I was just shelling out money left and right for him pushing paper. Because I could not pay them fast enough they tried to drop me as their client without proper notice and I was able to stop them from doing that by contacting the Judge immediately. They had to find me new counsel before they could do that. But in the end I ended up giving up because I had no more money. He asked for child support even though I did not have a job at the time and they granted it to him (they based it off a salary I did not have any more, was not working at the time) Six months later he remarried (a supposedly family friend) and this woman has coached my daughter into calling her mommy.

That day I truly died because I felt someone had torn my child from my womb. Yes, I contiplated suicide until I had to realize that God made me stronger than this and if I did that my daughter would not have me for the tough years to come. I made it my sole responsibility was to get myself together and continue building a relationship with my daughter, which I can say, he has never hindered me from doing. I told him that eventually she will come to me, it may not be now or 10 years from now, but she will. I spent a ton of money going between states to see my daughter every chance I could. At times I would fly down to get her and come right back on the next flight the same day, because she was too young to fly by herself and I did not trust her to fly as an unaccompanied minor. I did this until she was 9 years old when we thought she was ready to fly.

I decided to change careers and put myself through college at the age of 33 for which I graduated Cum Laude with a GPA of 3.8. This was a big accomplishment for me after getting married and having children first, I wish I did it right the first time but then I would not have married her father nor had her.

My increase in knowledge ladies has afforded me the abililty to take care of her and my increased family. Plus provide for her extra things even though I was paying child support. Never did I say, "I pay child support, he needs to take that and buy her things", which he does but I am mother and I know what she needs. He always had to go to his mother or sister to find out those things.

My baby girl is now 16 years old and is with me in Georgia for Spring Break because she wanted to be here. I have guided her up until now and have been successful in maintaining a good and healthy relationship with her. Even though I did not raise her she respects me still as her natural mother and comes to me when she wants to talk, which I told her it did not matter how far apart we are, I will always be there for you.

I know I have been long winded, but this has been my story for the past 14 years and it has made me a stronger and better individual. I have since remarried and she has two younger brothers, 7 and 3, which she loves dearly. It took 9 years for me to have more children, for a while I did not feel I was worthy and did not want siblings being raised apart from each other, I was more worried that she would not except them.

She has bloomed into a beautiful young lady and I am proud of her. I have given her as much as advice as I could to guide her as a teenager and as to her career path. This is something I knew her father would not do. Now she is looking for colleges in the State of Georgia because she is tired of where she is and is ready to come to Georgia (She has two years). My only fear is that because of the child support I am paying (He filed a interstate petitition on me 2 years ago because I owe $26,000 in arrears for 4 years of not paying regular child support) that I would not have enough money to put her through college. As long as God gives me breathe she will not have a student loan.

I have taught her and reiterated over and over again how it is important to go to college and I am guiding her on her career path so that she will be able to stand on her own two feet and provide for herself when she gets older. It helps to come from a line of strong women who did it all by themselves when times got tough. This is my legacy that I pass on to her.
With my fear of going back into court and having to deal with crooked lawyers I never regained custody of my daughter, and I knew I would never come up with the money to do so. My goal was to keep the relationship going and lines of communication open.

I love my daughter, this is my legacy I leave her...

Thanks for listening to me ladies,

talking about it truly helps even though it hurts sometimes.


What a beautiful story! Despite the pain.

My own story is a long one too, as they all are, it is hard to write it all in one post.

I lost custody of my own children when my son was 12 and my daughter was 9. It is called residency in the UK.

I had suffered emotional distress after hearing my husband had been having an affair and of course, he left and moved in with his lady. Then the subject of child support came up and that was it, he wanted them four days a week because that meant that I would have to pay him.

Then the alienation started, I filed for residency, he began his campaign telling me in front of his own children that his mission was to make me go under.

I wish now I had not filed until I had secured the children and not mentoned child support because that was what it was, he wanted the money and he did want his children, which he could have had anyway, there was no way I would have prevented him from seeing the children.

I fell into a deep depression, I could not cope and slowly began to unravel, this frightened the children and he became aggressive and violent and his parents were verbally abusive to me.

It was two years in that I snapped myself out of it, I had not seen my children for two years, courts awarding me indirect contact, the children had lived with him and that was it. They were reluctant to change the status quo.

I gave up in the end, because I could not cope mentally, physically and financially and stepped out ot the court process, I continued with the indirect contact, letters and proved to the court that I was doing that, I walked away from the court system and knew that I was doing the right thing.

For the last three years, my children have wanted nothing to do with me, I wrote to them and I knew they were hurt and angry with me, as their father had told them that I had chosen the court route.

A little over a year ago, I had an email from my daughter, asking me if she could speak with me, she missed me, then she told me her side, how she had felt and I listened, I have never told her my side of it, I dont see it as necessary.

What is important is the future the rebuiding of what was a wonderful relationship. I am notbothered about what has happened in the past, I am through all of that, I moved countries, learned a new language, got a new job, new friends, I still have my old ones.

Looking back, the system failed us a family, the child support system is flawed, a mess in the UK, people have comitted suicide over it, the Family Law system is flawed, it cannot deal with the harder cases and they slip through the net allowing family relationships to be eroded. I gave up on them and knew in my heart that my only way of recovering my children was through myself.

This is what I am in the process of doing, she asks questions and I tell her honestly, without having to slag off her father or her stepmother. It is a slwo process and one that I have the time to be able to do. I have the money to travel and to support her. Slowly we are getting somewhere. To me this is important, I am through the pain and anger and generally lead a happy life. I knew that if I was to re-enter my daughter's life it was to be as a repaired person, not one who broken, fargile and angry at the world and a system that had let us down.

I think this lady's story is wonderful, she has shown what it should be like, rather than be bitter, she has come through and sustained a relationship with her daughter and now her daughter would like to move closer to her.

The very best of luck to you and your daughter.
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on0123



Joined: 12 Dec 2011
Posts: 1
State or Province: New York

PostPosted: Tue Dec 13, 2011 12:00 am    Post subject: Karen millen outlet Reply with quote

thank you very much
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janeelissa



Joined: 26 Mar 2013
Posts: 1
State or Province: Arkansas

PostPosted: Tue Mar 26, 2013 6:59 pm    Post subject: believe in yourself Reply with quote

You have to believe in yourself . That's the secret of success.
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