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Stepfather v. Father

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PostPosted: Mon Jan 16, 2006 4:38 pm    Post subject: Stepfather v. Father Reply with quote

I have 2 children - a 5 year old daughter by my first marriage and a 6 month old from my second. My second husband adores my 5 year old, and would do anything for her. Problem is my ex husband thinks my daughter shouldn't call her stepfather "Dad" (which is what is going on right now without encouragement from us) and that he should stay out of the arguments between us - because after all, according to my ex, my husband is "nothing" to my daughter. How can I make him understand my daughter is very important to my husband and quit being a Jerk about it??
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 16, 2006 4:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I am a step mother of 2 daughters who live with me full time, and I also have 2 sons who have a step mother. My "step-daughters" refer to me as their mother, because I raise them, and I feel very honored, and bless. However if "my" son called their step mom - mom it would really hurt my feelings. So that is a hard one. Your daughter is only 5, I think she needs to do what she feels, and make the "grown up" deal with it in a grown up why. My childrens stepmother hates them and is mean to them, your ex-husband should be very happy, that your daughter feels safe and happy with the person she lives with, but i'm sure that is very hard on his emotions.
Good luck.
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Mom - Diane

PostPosted: Mon Jan 16, 2006 4:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

To JenLock,
Your ex-husband sounds like your ex-husband is giving you problems. He is probably very insecure about your current husband, or he is in an "I need control..I need power" kick in his life right now. You can probably talk to him till you turn blue and he will not "understand" you...because he doesn't want to understand you. You have to actually do something for him to understand you. Change the way things work that is.

He just wants it his way...or the highway. He probably will stop pestering you and your current husband about it when he finally has something else going on in his life to keep him busy.

My suggestion:

--regarding staying out of the arguments between you and your ex-husband. 1) one way is to have him deal with your ex-husband solely from now on (he can talk to him for the both of you--with your input of course)...that way you don't have to see him. Your husband just will communicate with him (if that is possible). He will soon realize that your husband is a big/important part of the picture.
2) or Prior to you seeing your ex-husband at drop off you two discuss what you want/need, etc. and just give him a note and keep it brief as possible. Keep the "arguments" down to a minimum. If he asks a question...say well I need to discuss it with (your husband's name) and email him later with an answer. This man is in your life now and you have a child together. You can't just live your life for the other daughter. She is part of a growing family. Hopefully your ex-husband will understand eventually.

--regarding the use of "Dad" for the stepfather I have to say that is tough. She basically has two Dads... Especially if your husband has been with your daughter since a very young age. Maybe you can say...honey can you call Dad "Dadster" around your ex-husband and Dad whenever she wants or is around you guys.

God Bless
someone who cares
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 16, 2006 4:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have the same problem with my ex. It all boils down to control. My ex doesn't have it and he can't stand it. He tells my son that his step sister is a *&%# and so is his step dad. I've been separted from my ex for almost two years. My brother in-law fixed me up with his best friend who was just getting out of a bad marriage too. I guess second time around is better. We have a six month old daughter together, but after she was born my ex told my four year old son to "flush the baby down the toilet". I swear men really never grow up. Now my ex is giving me problem because I put my son on ridalin. I told him about appt. but he never bothered to show because my boyfriend would be there. But the strange thing is my boyfriend's ex and I get along very well. We never had a problem. That I hope stays that way so my step daughter doesn't have to go through the same thing my son and daughter do.
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Still in Love

Joined: 05 Sep 2006
Posts: 216
State or Province: California

PostPosted: Thu Sep 07, 2006 10:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

it is not a control issue as much as it is a respect issue... how would you feel if your child started calling some other woman that your ex was dating/married to MOMMY... you would be crushed, hurt, sad, and mad. Mad at the ex for allowing it, and Mad that the one they were calling Mommy too.

She is 5... tell her point blank that this is so and so... and you have a dad. My kids never once called my now ex dad, even after we had a child together and his child calls him daddy. My girls called him by his first name, and that was it. He is not their dad and it would be disrespectful of me to allow them to call him dad... and their real dad does not even see them so it is not even that they would be hurting his feelings.
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Joined: 13 Sep 2006
Posts: 13
State or Province: South Carolina

PostPosted: Wed Sep 13, 2006 6:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

i feel like if you want to be called mommy/mom or daddy/dad then you got to earn it....... i think if the child is living with a step parent and feels like they want to call the step parent mom or dad then that is up to them.. the biological parent shouldnt stop that and if hurts there feelings then it should cause that makes you a selfish person... i dont know if that came out right but anyways lmao.... what i am trying to say yes me raising my step kids and them calling me mom and the biological mother by her name is a great honor for me.. they did this on there own but i have been the only mother in there lives! yes it does hurt my feeling sometimes to here my oldest call his biological mother mom cause i am not use to him calling her that but with the youngest one she does not call her bioligical mother mom cause she isnt her mom she never has been and never will be i have had that baby since she was 14 months old and i have been here through all her health problems and everything that has went on in her little life and i do believe i deserve this right to be called her mom! now i know the oldest did at one time call his bio-mother mom so i dont say anything about it but he has told me the only reason why he called her mom to her face is cause he couldnt hurt her feelings and that i would always be his mom no mater what so that was wonderful to hear from him and i have to accept that cause i am lucky for him to even call me mom from the get go.. kwim?? but on the other had the bio mother wants the kids to call her new husband dad?????!!!!??? NOPE! I dont think so cause he has never done anything for these children, he has never been in there lives and he will never be called dad by these kids and that isnt just my choice or my husbands choice but my kids choice as well... so i do believe it is up to the kids and what ever the kids do the parents need to accept it either way........ its not like your having to call this person mom or dad ya know....
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Joined: 01 Nov 2006
Posts: 1
State or Province: North Carolina

PostPosted: Wed Nov 01, 2006 9:54 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I kinda agree with "still in love"on one hand and with Tina on the other because I am on the other end of things. My ex and I have 3 kids together and I am remarried. My kids do not call my husband daddy because my ex has always stated he does not want the kids calling anyone else dad. Well my ex got remarried last year and moved here in December (he was in CA). His new wife has told the kids they have to call her Mommy and if they don't she gets mad. She has told them that they cannot call me when they are at their house (we have 50/50 custody) and has even gone to the point of telling the kids that they came out of HER BELLY! Very confusing for the kids and upseting to me! My heart stops a beat every time they call her mommy. Think about it! I guess my situation is a little different because of the circumstances, it might not bother me so much if I felt like that was the kids decision. They really don't even know her (for almost a year!) and they had to call her mom the moment they met her. I have a step child also and see her every other weekend and I have never told her she has to call me mom even though it does not bother her bio mom. If it comes to the point where she wants to call me that then I wont tell her she can't. I think what I am getting at is make it comfortable for the child and don''t force it.
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