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What to do if you are closer and more important for your kid

 
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true dad
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 30, 2006 7:20 pm    Post subject: What to do if you are closer and more important for your kid Reply with quote

What to do if you are closer and more important for your kids than your wife.

I have known my wife for 14 years, ever since we were just 13. We were high School Sweethearts but broke up in our senior year. After we got beck together she wasn't quite the same - didn't really show the love and affection that she did before. Thinking that this would change back to the way it once was I overlooked it and decided to get married.
We now have two kids ages 6 and 2. Ever since we had our first, I realized that although my wife is very independent, she is easily convinced by her parents. Our problems ranged from not agreeing on which day care (she wanted to put our daughter in her mother's day care) I finally agreed and this was a total nightmare - she is so dependent and immature, my in-laws always spoon fed her and did everything for her.
I really did not want to have a second child but knowing that she would need a sibling decided to go for it. This time it so happened that my contract was ending in September and we had our child in November. I pleaded with my wife to leave her job and stay home with the kids at least until the little one turned three. I could have gotten another contract and would have been making at least twice more money. She refused and simply got 3 months paid maternity leave, after which we fought so much so that she would get another three months. Then she went to work and I stayed home with her from 6 months to 13 months. she also wouldn't breast feed (apparently it is too painful and she did not want to visit a lactation consultant). My little one insists on eating herself and we lost the pacifier 3 months ago, completely different than my older one which was cared for by my mother-in-law until she was three.
My wife did not appreciate that I sat home with a baby when I could have been out there working - she would have rather used a babysitter (someone other than her mom since she has moved out of state). I had such a heartache when we finally put my little one into a daycare at 14 months. She was the smallest child there.
I am the one doing homework with my older daughter 90% of the time. When she does it - it is almost always either half hearted or incomplete. I take them to the parks to make sure they go on swings and slides and enjoy their time, she takes them there only if one of her friends is also going there.
We constantly fight about almost everything such as:
1). when either of my children has fever she would not even consider taking them to the doctor.
2). She thinks it is completely unnecesary to filter anything on TV or limit it's time, since you cannot filter everything else on the street or in schools;
3). Her father's constant racist remarks are totally OK and she would not ever consider asking him not to say certan things in front of my kids.
4). Her spending time walking in the malls having my year old sleep in a stroller.

A lot of the problems is her parents - they both love and hate the fact that I am such a good father to my kids.

We were considering moving out of New York and she seemed to be OK with it at first, but after her parents moved to AZ - that is the only place she would consider moving too, even thought it is considered more dangerous to live in than New York.

I want to move to Pennylvania and take my kids with me - she says she would allow it. I long thought that it is important for children to have both a mother and a father but when once ideals and morals are so dramatically different from the other and when you know that some of these ideas could be detrimental to the health and well being of your child I changed my mind.
Our fights which are sometime physical(very minor) are very bad for our children to see.
SOme of my friends think that I am both a mother and a father to my kids. I personally would have preferred it another way - for I think it is much more important for little kids to spend more time with their mother.
I am just tired and exhausted living in a loveless marriage and I seemed to have tried everything. She just doesn't like to talk about many of the problems that we have as she thinks they are not solvable.
Sorry for such a lenghthy background.
My questions are as follows:
If I move to Pennsylvania with both of my kids with a permission from my wife. How long would I have to live there before I can go to court and ask for sole custody based on all of the facts described above and the fact that the kids were living with me for the past xx months. What are my chances?
Is there anything else I can do to get sole custody?

Thanks you very much for your help.
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mamanot kidding
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 30, 2006 7:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

dear True dad! please, hold un to your marriadge! divorce is a hel place you dont want to go! if you are married and have someny diferences, when you devorce, thy will triple! i sudgest you establish a time each day when for an houre you reflect on your day, your commitment to eachother and commitment to your children. i also sudgest dating your whife when once a week or once averyother week you schedule a date with just the two of you. no mater how it hurts your prde at the moment, just give in and she wil fallow once she feels that your intentions are genuane. she is closed down right now because al conversations lead to disagreements, it is like she has this defance shield where all she hears is negative and feels like you are on an aposite team. you can go to al the familly counseling, spend tons of money but in the end only the two of you know what made your relationship work before. i would like to help you if i may to rekindel your love for your whife and your familly. this is my email address and i hope you share it with your whife at the apropriate time so she does no think that you are getting envolved with other woman. koganm@ipd.cc
as of the moment you read this, forget al you knew before and start over. i know it is hard when people are apset but trust me, if you go in to something new with a negative atitude, it will not workout!
best regards
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mamanot kidding
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 30, 2006 7:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

sorry my spelling sucks, i was in a hurry to reply.
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katysmom
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 30, 2006 7:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay first of all, you're 27 ish, right? So your relationship changed about 9 or 10 years ago? Well, if she was not affectionate then, and you still married her, then you had not one but TWO children with her- why are you surprised by the fact your marriage is loveless? But the fact remains that you do have two kids. And she is their mother. And rather trying to encoursge a relationship with the mother they have, you are trying to force her to be someone she isn't and apparantly never was. I don't think she is the only one who needs counselling.

I only know what you have posted but it seems to me that while she is too detatched from both you and the kids, you are much too clingy on both. You sound, to me, to be aggravating the situation by your actions and behaviors. And saying your inlaws don't like you because of what a great dad you are is ridiculous. You said you felt your first child was spoiled by them, they obviously love her very much and would only want the best. But to me, it seems like any negative emotions they have towards you would be more because of their daughter. If she wants to live by them, they are obviously close, and she has probably told them about her problems with you. Which would mean they view you not so much as the father of their grandchildren but their daughter's tormenter and possibly jailor.

Your whole posting reflects an attitude of disrespect towards your wife, and self pity for you. Why don't you start thinking of your wife as a person- with emotions and experiences and opinions that are separate from yours. Yes, it sounds like you have very different parenting styles, she seems much more lenient than you are, too relaxed for my tastes, but I'm inclined to like her more than I like you, because she's not on here ripping YOU up behind your back. You're going have to deal with her for at least the next 16 years, and sole custody or joint or even with you only having visitation, you will have to deal with her and address these issues. It only gets harder after divorce, and generally, the longer you are apart, the less and less you like each other.

And by the way, not working for 7 months to take care of a baby when you obviously could have afforded day care is just WEAK. You didn't do anything good for your child, you just delayed putting her in daycare. And by the way, it is easier to get a child used to going to daycare at 6 months than 13, 12-15 months is when the separation anxiety kicks in big time. You probably did more harm than good by getting her used to something you couldn't keep up.

And as far as saying your 2nd is more independant than your 1st because your in laws spoiled the first? Don't say stupid things like that. Every child is different, and develops at a different pace. Especially when it comes to self sufficience. All you do is make it sound like you think something is wrong with your first child.

As far as your question about moving, I'm curious as to why you think New York is safer than Arizona, I believe it depends on the area. Statewide in the year 2000, there were 27,281 violent crimes, compared to 124,890 in New York State. Incidentally, there were 51,584 violent crimes in the state of Pennsylvania that same year. It's the most recent I can find but they seem to rise in proportion, so I'm sure the ratio stays comparable. I don't understand when your wife has a legitamate reason for wanting to move somewhere why you would dismiss that with some fake reason.

For sole custody, most states have their own laws for custody, and it seems to me like you are still married. Custody is usually resolved during a divorce and most states require you to be a resident before you can get a divorce there. So you're looking at 6 months to a year. But if you are going with her permission, why the big rush to get sole? And be warned, if you are leaving the state, you should have a pretty good reason, or during the court she can argue that you left the state just to deprive her of time with your daughters. Which, you may be shocked to hear, even people who don't fit your June Cleaver image of what a mom should be, deserve and may actually long for.

If you want my suggestion (which you probably don't) back off a while. Let your wife spend time with your kids without you watching and second guessing, and pretty much grading. Think Tom Cruise in the war of the worlds. I'm sure his ex was a great mom. She seemed to have it down. But her controllingness made her children think that her way was the only acceptable way. Your wife needs to find her own way with your children. And maybe even with you.
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katysmom
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 30, 2006 7:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh, and I have a 2 1/2 year old son, and when I don't want my stuff destroyed, I spoon feed him myself. It's easier than spending 3 hours hosing down my house. Kids don't grow out of the "flinging food is funny" stage as fast as parents would like. In fact sometimes my 4 year old asks me to feed her.
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ammcgee7



Joined: 25 Apr 2012
Posts: 1
State or Province: Virginia

PostPosted: Wed Apr 25, 2012 3:59 pm    Post subject: Totally disagree.... Reply with quote

I totally disagree with the last post.

Your concern for your children is a blessing because it sounds like their mother is taking the easiest way out with everything - from spending time with them, to homework, etc... It's the little things like that that make a huge difference for kids.

My suggestion would be to contact a lawyer. Your wife might say she's OK with you leaving with the children but once you do she may start singing another tune. Being accused of "kidnapping" your children would not help your case any so it'd be best to protect yourself. I would not leave the state without getting the ball rolling with the court systems first. And it's extremely important to get a lawyer before you have any hearings.

You can go to: https://www.lawguru.com/answers/ask to ask a simple legal question online but explaining your situation to a lawyer in a consultation would enable them to give you the best advice for your situation.

When dealing with custody hearings focus on your children, not on attacking their mother. The old myth that courts always rule in favor of the mother is just that - a myth. The court systems have wised up and realized the important impact Dad's have on their kids life and they'll look at the relationships between each parent and the children, who the primary care giver is, what type of care is given (or lack of care), who has taken the child to and from doctor's appointments, to and from school, etc.

My best advice aside from speaking with a lawyer is this: Make notes of everything! Get yourself a notebook. If your wife deliberately starts a fight in front of the kids, make a note of what happened and when. If she doesn't show up for something for the kids, make a note. If one of them gets sick and she's refusing to take them to the doctor, make a note. If she does homework with the kids and it's not completed, make a note. It sounds petty but it will be extremely helpful if your case goes before a judge. You will be able to use it as reference and say, "On May 6, 2012, this happened..." You will be able to give accurate examples of incidences.

Good luck!
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