Joined: 16 Nov 2016
State or Province: New York
|Posted: Wed Nov 16, 2016 1:18 pm Post subject: Need help - long story
|Hi there. I'm looking for some guidance, advice and a place to vent and a friend recommended this message board to me. I'm really struggling right now and feeling quite lost.
This will be long, so please hang in with me. I am 29 years old and my son just turned 1 on 11/11.
I am a recovering heroin addict, approaching my 3 year clean date. During my addiction, I was a mess and a junkie. I woke up and realized I wasn't me anymore. I got help in 2014.
Fast forward a year later to Jan 2015, I had met a wonderful guy, we fell in love. He moved out of state 8 hours away for work in July, we split up but remained close, speaking all day every day. He started dating someone else in Oct, I ceased contact with him.
Nov. 11, I had our son. I didn't know I was pregnant until 8 hours before I started pushing. I had a cryptic pregnancy. When I had my son, his father and I started talking again. We did a DNA test (I knew it was his) and he was put on the birth certificate after completing the acknowledgement of paternity form.
I had my son full time. My son's father and I established we wanted to make it work and I made sure we were involved in his life and vice versa. We flew down to visit him for more than a week every month as soon as my son was cleared to fly at 6 weeks old.
Now to throw a wrench in the story...in Sep 2015 - 2 months before I gave birth - I was arrested for crimes I had committed during my drug abuse. I was arrested 2 years after the crimes were committed. I spent a night in jail. I never spoke to my BD about this. He had no idea. I didn't speak to him about this when I had my son because I was still unsure of what was going to happen. In March 2016, I plead guilty to 1 of the charges and paid full resitution. My sentencing was scheduled for June 2016. My lawyer is at this point very convinced due to conversations with the DA that I will be given community service and probation.
In May 2016, my son and I fly to see my BD. He confronts me about my legal situation, telling me he googled me and has known since Feb. I am devastated. We don't discuss custody. I come clean about my drug history and crimes to the full extent. He is mad, but we are able to reconcile and make the promise to work with each other and continue to coparent.
June 2016, I bring my son to my BD mother's (which is in a different state than where we live but closer to us than my BD state) for Fathers Day and meet BD there. I leave my son with him and his family, as sentencing is the day after FD. That was the first night I spent away from my son in his entire 7 months of life. I am sentenced to 4 months in jail, 5 years of probation and 200 hours of community service. My world crashes.
My BD leaves our son with his mother for a month. My son is then moved to my BD home in July. In August, my BD moves to a new state with my son for work and to live with his father. He travels to his old job until Sep 12 while his sister takes care of our son during the week. At no point did I give permission or consent to move my son from our home state to elsewhere. He enrolls our son into daycare at 10 months old at the end of Sep.
During my incarceration, I speak to my BD or a member of his family every day in regards to my son's well-being. I sent toys, clothes, formula and even provided a $200 check that BD never cashed. My BD tells me several times that he won't keep my son from me when I get released.
A week before my release date, my BD informs me that our son is staying with him. He doesn't feel comfortable with me caring for him and that I need to get my life back on track. He needs to regain trust in me.
Oct 14, I am released. Oct 21-24 I am able to visit my son. BD still refuses to discuss custody with me. Nov 9-13, BD and my son come to visit me. And that takes us to present day.
As of now, I have proposed to my BD a split 50/50 agreement in which I have my son for 2 weeks and he has him for 2 weeks. We have no custody agreement in place. There is no petitions. My BD has given some thought to this plan but he wants to speak with his pediatrician to see what effects would my son go through, if any. BD and I are no longer intimate and are completely split.
I am lost. I don't know if this plan will work, I keep reading how it's not good for infants (0-1 to flip flop between parents. My BD and I live 8 hours from each other, there is no "visitation on x days" like every website I stumble upon tells me. I am worried that due to my criminal record (non violent crime btw)
and substance abuse history, if I take it to court, he will automatically win legal and residential. I am worried sick that he is so angry with me still, that he now views me as an absent parent.
What really shakes me to my core is that I'm no longer with my son and I have lost that bond with him. I know I have been physically absent due to my incarceration but I made it a point to be as emotionally present as possible during those 4 months. I had my son every single day before I went in and he woke up one morning and I was gone. I have to live with that pain and suffering and guilt every single day. I just want him back in my life.
Am I being selfish? I love my son more than life itself. I only want to do what's right and healthy for him. Is that possible so far away from him physically? Will I ever get to regain our bond? Am I completely crazy for even suggesting the 2 week thing?
Thanks for hanging in there with me. I appreciate it. I am sorry it's so long but I warned ya. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks again y'all.