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Afraid of lossing my child

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 21, 2006 8:20 pm    Post subject: Afraid of lossing my child Reply with quote

I am 26 and enrolled in college full time inorder to get my nursing degree. I am in consent fear that the baby's father is going to take this child away from me. he left me when I was 17 weeks pregnant. I have been nice to him, trying to involve him he everything even though he left. When I called to tell him it was a boy, he said" at least it wasnt a girl." He now says that he wants joint custody because he does not want to pay me any money. He feels that he should not pay because he does not know what the money would be spent on. I live in Illinois and I am trying to find out what the laws are but with no sucess. I am planing to get a lawyer but I can not do that until I get my pell grant. Can any of you give me some insight on this.
Thank you
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 21, 2006 8:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I wish I could give you the answer's to your problem's, but the facts are, if a man wants custody of the child he is more then likely to get it. The current trend in the family courts today is that mother's are only good enough to give birth, but not to raise their own children.
I see it like women being used as cattle to breed children for men. In fact family courts say there is no such thing as an abusive man. They have legalized child abuse and violence towards women, and they call it Parent Alienation Syndrome, but it's always against the mother. I know the state I live in is known for this, I do not know if Illinios does or not, but it would be a good thing for you to find out.
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 21, 2006 8:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Please don't give up hope of keeping full custody. Keep good records of your conversations, in fact, I would recommend recording them or at least printing out emails. I have several single pregnant friends in similar circumstances (go to the pregnant and single ipregnancy community board)and not one of them lost sole custody of their child. Visitation will happen if he wants it, but he is unlikely to win joint custody. And it doesn't matter how you spend the money - it is yours by law. Please call around and ask if a family lawyer will see you right away and then pay him when you get your grant. Good luck!
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 21, 2006 8:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm not so sure Barbara is right. I was a single mother in graduate school, and my daughter's father -- long gone for ten years -- decided to sue for custody and not pay child support. He lost. You a studying to be a nurse, an excellent, stable career so that you can raise your child. He must still pay support, and he won't get the child just because you are in school. If he has ever been abusive towards you, even just once, contact Legal Aid and let him know you have representation. He might back off then.
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 21, 2006 8:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

He wants joint custody not full, so he will still have to pay you support regardless, plus the fact by the sounds of it he hasn't paid u any to date for which u are in the good to get back support from him...I don't think you have anything to worry about, my ex has joint custody of our daughter but he only sees her every other weekend, but has say in her activities such as school, health etc, and he still has to pay me support...I am canadian but i am sure if you looked in your local phone book u can find a free legal service for just advice to calm your nerves and most lawyers don't charge for the consult with them where that also will calm your nerves after telling them your situation I am sure you have nothing to worry about
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 21, 2006 8:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I just left my boyfriend of 6 years we have a child together her name is nicole she is 2yrs old. He was very abusive. He kicked me in the stomach with a steal toe boot,and thought it was funny. I dont know how to go about filing for custody of my baby girl. I think that he is capable of anything and his mother would love to bring me down. How do I do this, She loves her daddy i dont want to keep her from him but i dont want him to take her from me either. what do i do please help me!!!!
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 21, 2006 8:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

My X is trying to get custody of my two children 9 & 7. I currently have temp. permant custody. I had to move around a bit but finally got settled in one town. I moved the children out of school to our town. My X was furious and has served me papers of sole permenant custody of the kids. I am absolutely terrified I will loose them. At first the kids were reluctant of changing schools but they are very happy with it now. My X is demanding that the kids tesitfy and is planning to destroy my character in court with these horrific interrogatories I have to answer. I cannot afford a great attorney (like him, his mother paid for his attorney and supports him at age 38!!) He doesnt work and hasnt paid child support in 2 1/2 years. My attorney is one I work for. He is a work comp attorney not a child custody attorney. I contacted the Land of Lincoln which is a assistance for low income and they are not taking any new cases. I am so scared that I will loose my children and I really do not want them to go throught this traumatizint situation. Help any suggestions or support?
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 21, 2006 8:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I tend to agree with Deb, that although the trend right now in Family Court is all about Father's Rights, it seems that only in cases where the father has been in the childs life since birth, and/or the mother has some problmes (ie: drug use, suicidal, instability) are they giving full custody to the Bio dads.

My X and I split when I was pregnant. He left the state when she was 3 months old. Did not pay support, nor did he ask for any visitation for 10 years. When our daughter was 10, he moved back to our state with his new wife and stepkids. He then proceeded to take me to court, requesting full custody. Same man who didn't even have weekend visitation, and yet he wants full custody? Please. He got lucky with a judge who hated me, and it appeared most women, and was all about Father's Rights. He got joint custody, with EOW visitation. He is required to pay $537.00 per month in child support. He has taken me back to court so many times, the judge is sick of seeing us. He still has yet to get full custody, and it will not happen. He tries his best to try to make me out to be a horrible mother who "brainwashes" his daughter against him. He has threatened me, and stepmom has physically assaulted me in front of my daughter. All of this has my daughter stressed out, having major anxiety attacks. She lies to her father on a regular basis, and must see a therapist. She resents her father and stepmom, but is so afraid of them, she is too scared to stand up to them. I do my best to minimize her stress, but I have my own issues with anger and resentment towards them.

I am confused as to when this was originally posted, the dates range from 3-8-05 to 3 of 2004. Jess, any updates on your situation?

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 21, 2006 8:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Contact your attorney general. They can advise you of your rights. Usually they will help you through even the court battle.

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 21, 2006 8:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote


First of all get all your ducks in a row and make sure your home is safe, clean and you have perfect child care provisions.

Next contact the Friend of the Court and let them know what is going on, if you do not have a child support order, get one immediately and ask to speak with the judge or referee assigned to your case.

Always communicate in writing with the Friend of the Court even if you meet with a judge or case worker, follow up with a letter.

You may want to get a copy of A Matter of Record: Keeping Track of Your Child Support a keep a record of all your oral and written correspondence. Go to bookstore.

Is dad's name on the birth certificate, if not he will need to establish paternity and that will take a bit of time, buying you time to meet with your attorney and design a plan just in case dad is granted visitation.

Tell the court what you want, no demand to the court what you want. If he wants to play daddy he has to do it right and do it well.

If he wants visitation it should be supervised until you and the courts are satisfied that he can care for this child responsibly. He needs car seats, diapers, food, toys, etc. He has to have day care provisions and his home must be clean and safe.

Look girl, grow some back bone, this is your baby we are talking about and he is about to be introduced into the life of a stranger, dad is a stranger, remember he walked out.

Don't be passive in court, look folks square in the eye and tell the judge what you feel is in the best interest of your child.

Go to and learn about Illinois Child Support Enforcement...that means read the site, you want to go in court knowledgeable.

I think this will get you started...this is the battle of your life and that of your child so be strong and honey, like 'Nike' just do it!
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Joined: 07 Feb 2006
Posts: 74
State or Province: South Carolina

PostPosted: Wed Feb 22, 2006 7:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

the only advice i have for you is to keep good documentation of everything he says to you and does if he calls and leaves a message record it find a good custody lawyor and talk to them make sure that you fill comfortable with that person to handle your case. in most cases the only time i have heard of joint custody is if the parents agree to that but dont because that means he will be able to file your child on his taxes every other year. and when you get full custody do not let him talk you into claim your child on his taxes if you have full custody you get to claim the child every year my ex tried that with my lawyor and he laughed in his face and said that will never happen. also if you are awarded child support be sure to make him pay through the courts that way you do not have to worry if you get the money or not because the courts keep a record of the money and will rule him in if he does not pay grantit you will have to keep after the courts but my ex has been ruled in about four differnet times and went to jail for 3 months because of child support matter of fact he is being ruled in again we go to court march 1 because his boss will not garnish his wages. just make sure you fight for your child and if all possible get your family involved if they are willing because then you look like you have a good support system and i think the jugde will look at that as a plus for your side and may help you win plus i know when i won full custody the judge said because the child has been with me for a long time he did not want to distrub his life good luck
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Joined: 10 Nov 2006
Posts: 24
State or Province: Utah

PostPosted: Fri Nov 10, 2006 3:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I am kinda in the same boat. Athough my baby's dad and I had already gone our seperate ways before I knew I was pregnant. Then I moved outta state to be with my family. (BUT)I worked for Social Services when I lived in Colorado and I learned alot about custody. The problem is that every case is different and I guess it also depends on how pasionate the father is about getting the child(ren). (Also the laws very from state to state) What I do know is that in almost all states an unwed single mother automatically has full leagal custody unless the father files. (fights for his rights) If the father does file a paternity test is then given. If its proven that he is the father you will usually go to mediation which is where you and your lawers try and work out a visition agreement.(This is the tricky part and can take up to a year) Each case varies depending on the situation and state but again almost all states go through mediation and dont ever go to court. Although if you get joint/shared custody or even if he just has scheduled visitions he may still have to pay you child support, if he is makeing more money then you.(Which I am guessing is the case being you are going to school.) BUT you could also have to pay each other child support. The best thing to do get some free leagal advice and ask about the laws there. DONT EVER AGREE TO GO FORWARD UNLESS, YOU ARE SURE THAT YOU KNOW YOU CAN WIN OR THAT THE OUT COME WILL GO TO YOUR FAVOR THOUGH. Always ask lawers what are the chances that the outcome will be in my favor. Make sure that the odds are good or you may get screwed.

I know Colorado will look to see if the father is listed on the birth certificate which in colorado would by-pass the parernity test.
They will also look to see if you lived together with the child or if "the common law marriage" would apply (If you lived as/like a married couple for a certain amount of time. Makes you just like a married couple and then they may treat you as a divorced couple instead of two single parents)
They also may due background checks for both of you.
"The primary care giver" may have an upper hand too depending on what the state laws are. (Which has to be proved usually)
They usually will look and ask where you and the child live or will live ect.
Make sure you are able to support the child on your own or with child support ect. Again everything varies depending on the state laws and each case ect..
I hope that helps a little
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